Scene: The Justice League of Justice hideout, the dingy office underneath the bowling alley. Behind the K-Tel tunes warbling from the battered juke-box in the corner we hear the occasional strike knocking down the pins overhead. In the other corner the old TV is playing The Trailer Park Boys Xmas Special. Time Hog is riding in the car with Ricky. The mood is festive, the punch = spiked. There’s cookies. Someone’s drawn a Christmas tree on the whiteboard. The gang’s all here.
Black Rhumba to Hungry Man Dinner: “Whatchoo want from Santa this year, HMD? Other than extra gravy?”
The big man thinks for a minute, “Wouldn’t mind a better parking space and a Home Depot gift card. What about you, Rhumba?”
“Me? I just wanna dance the New Year away!” He does a quick twirl and finishes with some karate chops.
He-Wonder Woman is just covered in glitter. “What about you, Cat Squirrel?”
“You know me, I’m nutty about nuts. What’s Live Zombie want?”
“Me?” He stares off into the distance, toys with his black bow-tie for a moment, squinting through his thick glasses. “What I’d do for a mouse with a working right button at work…”
“Cheesus, you are a living zombie, aren’t you?”
“Did someone call for Cheesus?” Quite without preamble it’s clear someone new has joined the room. A tall skinny man, apparently wearing a bathrobe, slippers and tighty-whities peeking from underneath. A big wedge of swiss cheese sits where the rest of us keep our heads. “Yep, it’s true, I’m Cheesus. I’ve been living on the moon but I thought I’d drop in on y’all!” The man in the robe with the head made of cheese strides to the head of the room where Banana Man and Dr. Tomorrow are fooling with some sound equipment.
It’s a Zarkmas miracle! The audio gear suddenly starts working. Cheesus coughs into the microphone. “One two, one two. Am I on? Why yes I am.” He has everyone’s attention, jaws are being picked up off the floor at this most unusual sight. Cheesus is striding back and forth confidently, flicking the microphone cord. “Oh yeah, first off I want to wish everyone a Happy Festivus, a Festivus for the Rest of Us, amiright?” Still somewhat shocked silence.
Mr. Know-It-All leans over to Broccoli Man and whispers into his ear. “How is he doing that? Do you see a mouth?” BM shakes his broccoli head with a big “nope”.
Cheesus continues, “Alright I want you all know know I kicked Satan’s ass today, yeee-haw! Then I kissed a kitten, and gave it wings.” He mimes a bird flying with his hands. “And it’s almost my birthday, wooo–oh!” He’s pumping his fist.
“Now don’t get me wrong, my Big Daddio and The Great Spook want me to urge you to seek redemption through The Big Cheese here” he’s indicating himself “but His High Awesomeness the Dalai Lama says, ‘All religions same-same’. So just pick a tradition that works for you and just don’t be a dick about it, amiright people?” General nods and agreement.
Mr. Know-It-All mutters under his breath though clearly hoping everyone can hear, “Christmas was invented by the church to cover up Saturnalia, GUH!”
“We all know my real competition is Santa, amiright!” Cheesus shouts and does a split right there on the carpet. Impressive! Another strike rolls by overhead. “Now I’m not here to steal your evening, just to remind y’all to be good to each other, alright?” He pauses, pointing at each person one at a time. “Even though they be turkeys, okay?” He takes a bow. “And now I understand Dr. Tomorrow has a special holiday performance for you.” He bows, places the mic on the folding banquet table quickly leaves the room.
“What the cluck just happened, BAWK?” from Elvis Chicken.
Dr. Tomorrow has the mic. He’s got his blonde flip-top hair, the usual dark goggle-like glasses but tonight he is sporting a garish green holiday sweater with a big glitter kitty wearing a Santa hat. He shrugs. “Well, give it up for Cheesus, everybuddy!” Applause follows, and not just because Banana Man is holding up a sign behind him which reads “APPLAUSE”. “Ok partee-people with the double ‘E’, me and the B-Man here are going to lay down some holiday tunes for yaas.”
Banana Man is brandishing his battered acoustic gee-tar. He’s in his usual all-yellow get-up, only the banana is strapped to a limp Santa hat on top of his yellow mask. Dr. Tomorrow turns away from the group, starts limbering up in a rhythmic sort of way and as Banana Man begins to bang on the strings the Doc starts a beat-box then spins around holding an ice cream cone and lets it loose.
I’ve got an ice cream cone for a microphone and I’m bound to get funky
Listen to me and jump for glee because we’re all about to get spunky!
It’s holiday time so gather round the Hanukkah Tree
and light those Kwanzaa candles!
Grab your partner, spin ‘m round
and grab those love handles!
Saturday Night Live, Let’s jump and jive
Krampus on the run
Let’s throw presents at the pheasants
Duck and run, we’re gonna have some fun!
Smoke ‘m if you got ‘m!
Smoke ‘m if you got ‘m!
Just start at the bottom!
< more beatboxing… then a pause… and he sings out: >
5 Golden Rings!
4 Pre-Paid Cards
3 Olive Loaf
2 – for – 1 Special
And a banana in a monkey tree!
And now everybody, join me in our traditional Christmas carol, I know you know the words! (And they do, indeed. The whole group joins in.)
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
and the Joker got away, hey!
And the whole group laughs and claps…
Happy Holidays Everyone, Cheesus Loves You!
Thanks to Amanda Peters for Cheesus!