The Last Tiki Bar on Mars

…1969…

“Eva, pass me the Evian please.”

“Yes, dahlink.” Replies Eva, in her delightfully uplifting accent. “Here you arh.”

A light breeze ripples the fronds of the palm trees lining the pool. It’s sunny at the Palm Springs Racquetball Club, but it’s always sunny at the Palm Springs Racquetball Club. Arnold’s eyes are focused in the middle distance over the pool and shaded by his Ray-Bans.

A man with a small blue swimsuit and a chin with a divot large enough to hide a golf ball strolls over, cigarette dangling in his fingers. “Howdy Arnold, how they hanging? Borrow your lighter?”

“Kirk, buddy. It’s all yours.” Arnold doesn’t take his eyes off the pool.

Eva leans over, “Mr. Douglas, how nice to see you. How was your latest movie?”

Kirk snaps the zippo closed and breathes in the healing smoke enjoying its contradictory stimulating and relaxing effect. “The Arrangement?” He taps his lit cig against his leg and grits his teeth. “Average, baby. Average.” He takes a long drag, flicks the dart into the ashtray on table next to Arnold and without a word turns and dives into the pool.

Audrey, resplendent in a simple one-piece black swimsuit reclines deeper into her lounge chair. “Well, he doesn’t seem too happy about that.”

“Pity.” Arnold worries his cig from one side of his mouth to the other. “Eva, I’m thinking Bombay Beach. What do you think about putting some of our TV money into property there?” He’s watching some birds going in lazy circles over the mountains. “I’m thinking it’s primed to go big.”

“Oh, Ahrnold, I just can’t think about that today.”

Arnold barely hears her. He is lost in a daydream of dollars driven by the craze for Salton Sea waterskiing and tourists fishing.

“They say love is the best investment; the more you give, the more you get in return.”

“Audrey, you are so romantick!” returns Eva with a smile.

Arnold lights another Regal. He starts to sing… “Money don’t get everything, it’s true. But what it don’t get, I can’t use…”

He continues to hum the song as the pool staff comes by with fresh gin and tonics.

Author’s note for younger readers:

Kirk Douglas, Audrey Hepburn and Eva Gabor were major stars in the time period of this episode. I will leave it as a Google/Wikipedia exercise for the reader to learn about Palm Springs, The Salton Sea and Bombay Beach.

Your author was recently at an event that required creating some art on a poster, so Banana Man made an appearance. For Justice!

Wait, you don’t know who Banana Man is yet? Click here, pilgrim….

See the Mars that time forgot! Fast ‘n’ loose is how the science works here, but hey, it was filmed in color!

Scene: The Long Up Chuk Chinese-American Restaurant. The lights are low, and mostly red-ish. The Legion of all the Dooms is lounging comfortably in the sagging vinyl booths and battered banquet chairs in the back. A dark miasma of malice hangs in the air like the stench of last years second hand smoke. 

An argument is going on.

“I’ll have a Singapore Sling, heavy on the Singapore.”

“Let’s call Evil Buddha and take out Good Hitler once and for all!”

“That never works. They just clone up a new one. Every. Fucking. Time.”

“Well, fudge a monkey. We need to p0wn some chumps! Halloween’s here. It’s time for mischief.“

“How about … we hand out chocolate covered brussel sprouts!”

“More better, The Communist Manifesto, hidden under tasty chocolate coatings!”

“Or we build The Not-So-Great Pumpkin!”

“Candy that causes hiccups!”

“White chocolate, and… ah god, Circus Peanuts!” <retching noises>

“Broken iPhones!”

“Unhappy Meals. The special prize inside… Tax forms, heh heh.”

“Elephantiasis! In the water supply!”

“Gummy Bears, rock hard gummy bears…”

“Can the chin-music you sock monkeys!”

The bags under Secret Nixon’s eyes look extra dark tonight. “The NRA does more to torment children than we could. I say we stick the knife in deep. Deep in the sweaty little hearts of the Justice League of Justice. I say we take the battle to the enemy, on their own home turf!”

“You mean?”

“Yes… We’re going bowling!“

Good Hitler politely borrowed from Jon Rosenberg.
Kindly support his creative efforts by signing up for this kickstarter!

Good news, everyone!

Just what you’ve always wanted: the freedom from having to make decisions! Now you can have the computer link you directly to a random episode of the bits that don’t need to be read in any order anyway. Give it a try!

→ Jump to a random episode of The Curiously Banal Adventures of Banana Man

→ Jump to a random episode of Burning Pork

…Sadly, you’ll still have to pick which page of The Last Tiki Bar on Mars that you want to read. Which you can do here.

Charles Bronson AND Clint Eastwood ARE Brownstone and Brickwad IN…

BOWLING TO HELL – This time the ball will NOT be returned!

Coming soon to a cinema near you.

…flashback…

“Someone get that cigarette out of his mouth!” A black-garbed grip grabs for Arnold’s cig, but Arnold’s quick lip action shifts the stick to the other side of his gob as he blows a fragrant cloud of pig-lung scented tobacco smoke right in that guy’s face.

Fixing the grip with a stare that would curl a Jedi’s toes, Arnold sucks the smoke down to the filter, exhales and spits the but onto the floor.

The director, with his Don Johnson 3-day stubble and black watch cap rolls his eyes. “Are you ready to act now?”

“Show me the money.”

“We signed the contract.”

“Who do I look like, Snoopy? This is porn. I wanna see the cash.”

The director shrugs with that special “see what I have to put up with?” motion. He pulls out some greenbacks and waves them at the pig.

“Now we’re getting somewhere. Next, tape them to the camera.”

“What?”

“Hey, lookit Akira Kurosawa here. Listen Otto Preminger, this pig’s a method actor. I need to see my motivation.”

Sigh. The director motions to another stagehand who hands him some grip tape. He rips off a length, fastening the tip to the bottom of the camera lens and pastes on each $100 bill, one under the other so Arnold can see all five at once. “Better?”

“That’s more like it. Let ‘er roll, Laughing Boy!” Arnold settles back into the overstuffed armchair bracketed by smiling buxom blonde twins in red bikinis.

“Arnold Ziffel here, TV star and all-around Lady’s Pig. When a pig, or a man, needs to get off, he knows where to put his pork.”

“Neon Nights Productions VHS tapes home delivery!” Chime in the twins.

“That’s right ladies, it’s the best thing since chocolate covered porn stars.”

Who is this pig again?

Wake up. Strangled in bra. How is this thing on backwards?

Bust out of bed. Bathroom, sink, splash face. Feed fish. Feed cat. Remember not to water cactus.

Dim sunlight through the kitchen nook window. Must remember to windex windows. Frozen waffle.

Shuddap phone!

Clothes. Shoes. Crazy hair. Crazy hair is fine. No one cares. Screw makeup.

Jacket. Shoulder bag. Out the door. Down the stairs. Almost to the front door escape portal.

“Hey Sugar, what’s cooking?”

Dr. Tomorrow. Same perfect hair. Same blinding white teeth and matching perfect white t-shirt. What is up with those black goggles? Doesn’t he have a job or something? Prepare to launch Morning Face Attack.

Dr. Tomorrow steps aside quickly, “Woah!” and gets sing-song, “if looks could kill, they probably will…” He’s bopping to his own rhythm. Out the door. Behind her she can still hear Doc going on, “Games without frontiers, war without tears, Jeux sans frontières!”

Hustle down the street. Why didn’t I bring my earbuds? Traffic rolls by with the farting of exhaust, creaking of internal combustion engines fighting the morning, weak sun glancing off anything shiny stabbing the eyes. Feet stomping the pavement.

Shadowy Figure, figures, seems to somehow materialize directly in Sugar Diablo’s path.

“Are you ready to join us, Sugar Diablo? The Legion of All The Dooms awaits…”

Same long black coat, same slouch hat that somehow always hides the identity and even the gender of this Shadowy Figure. Pushy fuck. Stop for one second. Angry Morning Face Attack! Spit on ground. Power on by.

Shouted after her. “We can help you release your hate! You’ll like it!”

Involuntary fist clench. Eyes narrow. hsss…. I’ll show you what I’d like…

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Finally, library. Job. Boss Monster. Ugly green over-sized sweater. Big teeth. Glasses on chain around neck. Hair piled high, formerly grown on Planet WTF. “Sugar Diablo, you’re ten minutes late!”

Through gritted teeth. “No, I’m twenty-three hours early for tomorrow.” Mumbled under breath, “bitch.”

The struggle with the Universe has just begun.

“So, what are you in for, pig?”

Arnold turns slowly to look at the scruffy white kid sitting on the concrete bench beside him. Arnold is chewing on the short stub of a disposable chopstick while he takes in the tattered black hoodie, the moth-eaten black watch cap, the cargo shorts.

“Ass-fucking a police officer and crapping in his mouth.”

“Really?”

“What do you think, Einstein?” Arnold hops off the bench, trots over the unadorned concrete floor to another young man lying on his side with a roll of toilet paper cushioning his head, snoring lightly. “Always make ‘m show you the money first.” He shakes his head and spits on the floor. “It’s always a fuckin’ power thing with the goddamn cops.” Arnold raises his right back leg and lets loose a yellow stream soaking the kid’s already soiled Wal*Mart t-shirt. The kid doesn’t stir.

“What did you do that for?”

“Pig’s gotta take a piss. You think I can hit the crapper from down here?” He jabs his snout at the bleak, seatless metal appliance sticking out of the opposite wall like a robot mushroom. “Just be glad it wasn’t you. This time.” Arnold nods back at the now-wet kid on the floor. “What’s the deal with Sleeping Beauty?”

The kid on the bench shrugs. “Jimmy swallowed all our pills, when the cops pulled us over.”

“Lucky fuck.” Arnold rolls over on his back, schooching across the floor, attempting to get a scratch out of the smooth surface. He stops and stares at the clock on the wall, its hands moving with all the verve and alacrity of break time at an Eskimo molasses factory. With half-lidded eyes he watches the perfectly uniformed cops sauntering about outside the door, doing whatever cops do at 5am. Making photocopies, drinking coffee, grab-ass.

The kid on the bench scratches his head. “Ya ever, ya know, get a DUI?”

“First time, eh?” grunts the pig.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Run your mother’s mini-van over some mailboxes?”

“Nah, they caught us doing donuts in Jimmy’s Honda in the parking lot at the factory.”

Arnold rolls onto his side, hooves clattering on the hard floor. He lets loose a wet one. He quotes in a sing-song voice, “Git yer girl in the mood quicker…”

“Hey, how’d you know we had 40’s?”

The door clangs open and a uniformed figure beckons to Arnold. “Ok pig, you’re free to go.”

The kid pops off the bench. “Hey, what about me?”

Arnold looks over his pork shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it kid, you’re just getting started.”