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Hostess Apple Pie

(Should you be inclined, you may view the Author performing this episode recorded live, on YouTube by clicking here.)

“Let’s go, Honeys!” Shouts He-Wonder Woman over her shoulder while shouldering open the door to leave the Super Mini-Mart and smacks right into an enormously fat black man with a big ‘fro. Now he’s got Strawberry Lime Slushy all down the front of his flat black T-shirt, missing his black shorts due to the overhang and drips on the ground by his black sneaks. He works up a scowl that could curdle milk.

“Oh, Megabarnacle! I didn’t see you there, darling” she gasps, manicured fingertips pressed against her lips.

Dr. Weevil pulls open the other door and rubs his bald head. “Oh, look what we have here. Banana Man, Wonder-Where’s-The-Weiner and Black Rhumba. Fancy running into The Stupid Friends here.” At the disturbance the other members of The Justice League of Justice crowd out onto the cracked pavement lit a slightly nauseous yellow by aging sodium lamps.

“Oh, no! Let me get some paper towels Megabarnacle!” Titters He-Wonder Woman.

A grumpy reply. “Oh no.” Shakes his head slowly. “It’s too late for that.”

A skinny teen with messy hair and a Where’s Waldo T-shirts dances from foot to foot with glee, pointing at the big man and giggling. “Ha ha! Grout thinks you look so stupid!”

An even skinnier teen with messy hair and braces is also pointing and laughing. “Ha ha! Curdles thinks you look dumb!” He rubs the “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt over his guts.

“We’re not the Stupid Friends, we’re The Justice League of Justice and we fight for … Justice.” Growls Banana Man.

“Oh, is it a fight you want? Looks like you’ve got yourself a Rumble with The Legion Of All The Dooms!” Megabarnacle jabs a thick figure at Banana Man. “You, Banana Head. Yo mama’s so fat she left home in high heels and by the time she got home they was flip-flops!

Banana Man looks confused. “Ah… And your mother wears combat boots.” The Legion Of All The Dooms bends over with laughter.

“Ha ha! LAME!”

Black Rhumba steps forward, starts circling The Legion. “Stand back, Leaguers. Better let me handle this.” He jabs his head towards Megabarnacle. “Oh yeah? Yo’ momma’s so heavy, when she stepped on a scale it yelled, ‘No livestock!”

“Oh, it’s on…” Dr. Weevil puts a pinkie to the corner of his smirking mouth.

Hands cocked over hips. Megabarnacle has been waiting for this opportunity for a long time. “Heh. Yo’ momma’s so stupid she sits on the T.V. and watches the couch!”

Black Rhumba is unfazed. “Yo’ momma’s so stupid it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!” Marina Skank snorts and chews her auburn locks.

“Yo’ momma’s so old when God said, ‘Let there be light,’ she flipped the switch!”

Banana Man is getting angry. He’s crushing his Hostess Apple Pie in his fist. He’s suddenly aware of every piece of gnarled litter fouling the grimy parking lot.

“Yo’ momma’s so old she sat behind George Washington in third grade.” Retorts Black Rhumba, slick and smooth in his white T and purple leather jacket. Curdles and Grout are shaking with laughter.

“Let me tell you about your momma. She’s so poor she shops at The Penny Store!”

“Is that all you got?” Chuckles Black Rhumba. “Yo momma’s like Ramen Noodles, cheap and easy!”

GG Allin screams and pulls down his pants. “That’s it. IT’S FECES TIME!”

With that distictive “WHOOP! WHOOP!” a police cruiser humps itself into the parking lot, blinding the combatants in its headlights.

“It’s The Fuzz! Let’s beat it!” The Legion scurries off the lot. Marina Skank stops and shakes her skinny fist at The League members. “You ain’t seen the last of us!” And they’re gone.

Banana Man grimly takes a bite out of his crushed pie and hisses. “Justice….”

Thanks to B. Raciot for some great character names!

Rumble! Performed live by the Author on June 24, 2023:

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